Sunday, May 22, 2011

Old and New

I love this photo for a number of reasons. First, the clouds; it was very overcast that day. Second, the contrast of the old and new, the old of the Russian Orthodox Cathedral and the newer architecture of the surrounding buildings with a touch of of some 1890's architecture thrown in. Third, it was taken in a place I had wanted to visit for a number of years, Sitka, Alaska!

I chose this photo for my latest entry because it signifies to me where I am in my journey. I am referring to my 'post-divorce recovery' as my 'journey' because I am on one. Not only am I recovering from the emotional trauma of the divorce, but in the recovery I have discovered some things about myself I hadn't expected to discover. I am at a juncture of the old and new in my emotional health. In these past 8 months of recovery, (8 months since he left! Time does fly when....) I have done a lot of looking back. Not taking blame, but wanting to avoid mistakes and making better decisions in the future and in my future relationship. Yes, I know there will be one, but when and with whom, I do not know. Only the Universe does. But, damn it, I want to be ready! And he doesn't deserve the emotional mess I am right now.

I see a lot of me in this photograph. The cathedral, in the center, is my spirituality. It doesn't overpower the rest of me, it just is there as part of the scenery. The older architecture, represented by the two buildings in the lower right, are the old me, while the modern buildings, most noticeably the apartment building next to the cathedral, are the new me, which is still under development. The trees behind the city are Nature which forms an essential part of my spirituality.

I have begun attending a guided meditation group which, I'm hoping, will help me to uncover some of my issues and fears, and to unpack my emotional baggage before I continue too much farther on my journey. In one of the meditations, I came to a bridge. Across the bridge was my future and what I most wanted. Across the bridge was a silhouetted figure of a man. I could not make out his face, but he was there waiting for me.

Journeys are always frightening and, as the saying goes, always start with a single step. I've taken that step with the meditation and I have seen in my 'heart of hearts' that all will be well. Now, I just have to remind myself of that, and work through the old, while taking care of the now to prepare for the new. I am frightened, I don't know what I will uncover, and it could hurt. Emotional garbage does hurt. But, if you don't take out the garbage, it eventually takes over and ruins everything, especially a good foundation. And I'm going to need one before I meet The Man on the Bridge.

2 comments:

  1. See, I'm reading a book by a French authoress which talks about ruptures (http://www.amazon.com/rupture-pour-vivre-French/dp/2290351490/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1306445461&sr=8-1). I'm reading it in Portuguese, and I'm not sure it's available in English (I couldn't find it on Amazon to send you the link), but you should look it up, anyway.

    In the greatest movie of all times, THE HOURS (starring 3 actresses I love: Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep) the character Virginia is once asked by her husband why she always kills at least one character in every book she writes. Her answer goes: "Someone has to die so that the rest of us should enjoy life more. It's a contrast."

    That death does not have to be literal, of course. Sometimes a person we know "dies" when we drift apart for some reason etc. Some of those break-ups can be devastating indeed (especially romantic break-ups), but it is always up to you to either die along with the person or make a lemonade with the lemon life has given you. Hope you make a good choice.

    Sorry I'm only now reading your blog, but you e-mailed me at my AOL address which I am not/wasn't using. Therefore I've just today seen your e-mail asking me to come here. Well, that account is deleted for good now.

    ~M

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  2. You are moderating comments now, bitch?

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